Portfoloio piece 3- How to get thrown out by your landlord

Week 4 Assignment – CRITIQUE/INSTRUCTIONAL MATERIALS: Finishing ‘Op-Ed’ web opinion piece; reading and critique on article by Bernstein (as a blog entry); ‘How to’ instructional web page materials (choice of serious or ‘tongue in cheek’ approach).

The Idea

Have you ever just had that urge to annoy your landlord? frustrate him beyond despair? or just ruin their property? well this is the place to be, a concise guide on…

HOW TO GET THROWN OUT BY YOUR LANDLORD

(A foolproof guide to being evicted from your place of residence without dying)

THE STEPS-normal

1.Be loud. This works in many ways really, loud music, abusive shouting etc. – fairly self explanatory.

2. Pull up the carpets. Stomping on bare floorboards is much more effective at upping those decibels. Wearing shoes while stomping is also advised- you never know when a loose nail is going to strike.

3. Bed action (real or manufactured). Any loud screams and the bed hitting the wall will annoy other tenants and the landlord. There’s nothing like disturbing other peoples sleep.- this will attract complaints to the landlord about your behaviour.

4. Watch TV at ridiculous hours, i find national geographic works best, monkey screams, whale song etc. Be careful not to turn it too loud- if you have already undertaken step 2 then the sound will travel far easier, while avoiding permanent hearing damage.

THE STEPS- crazy

5. Paint all the walls, doors, floors, yourselves if necessary, black! Most Landlords will carry out irregular inspections of their property so this is a way to always be prepared- Do make sure however, that your contract doesn’t state you are not allowed to decorate- you may be sued if this occurs.

6. Turn your stairs into a water slide, great fun and causes a flood. (only works if your flat/ apartment has stairs, bungalows will not work.) I find that two standard garden hoses both turned to full power will work best- add soap to stairs for extra thrill seeking.

7. This is only to be used in drastic measures… set fire to and burn down your flat/apartment.

IMPORTANT: make sure you leave your place of residence swiftly after setting fire to it. – also, do not set fire to door while inside.

WARNING: points 5 to 7 may result in death.

Carrying out just a few of these should result in you being kicked out, if not, you have a problem. Please vote in our online poll:

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